Steve Halley, LSCSW
Welcome to our blog. These posts share some of the many tried and true tools, skills, and techniques that the Family Peace Initiative has found to be valuable through the years.
We hope that this Facilitator's Tool Box will become a resource for you in your own quest to be the best facilitator you can be. We will be adding new blog posts monthly. Enjoy!
Questions or comments? Please email us at
I have been moved by the experiences shared by so many during the the recent Kavanaugh hearings. However, I took pause when our President said, “it is a scary time for young men in America”. The argument is that Judge Kavanaugh has been the victim in the Senate proceedings, and now young men everywhere need to be afraid, as they, too, can be potential victims of false allegations. What struck me, however, is how many times I have heard this “victim” position claimed by perpetrators of domestic violence.
In domestic violence intervention classes, it is common for participants to initially use the defense of, “I’m the real victim here!” They argue that their partner is the one who was violent: “I was protecting myself and I was the one arrested!” They like to point out that if the police come to a domestic violence call, it is the man that is going to be arrested. We hear this frequently as people try to avoid accountability and present themselves in a positive light. While there is no doubt that there is a rare case of someone being falsely arrested and convicted, the clear majority of those who claim this defense are guilty of the crime. In fact, the vast majority of those who were arrested, but not convicted, are also guilty—there just wasn’t enough evidence for a conviction.
I remember him well. He struggled at first in the batterer intervention class. I believed he was trying. He wanted his partner to come back home. She had left him after he had been arrested for beating her. She was living with her parents. He was seeing their kids on infrequent visits. He wanted his family back. He knew he had to complete our class if he was going to have a chance to get what he wanted.
He was a charming, charismatic guy. He had a sense of humor that he used often to make us all laugh. People liked him. He expressed concern for others and tried to be there when others needed him. At the same time, he struggled to be accountable for his own cruelty in his relationship. He liked to blame his partner for his violence. He tended to make excuses for his violence. He was afraid that he was going to lose his wife and kids. He was not sure if he would have a reason to go on living if she ever decided to leave him for good. He was desperate to do what he had to do to get his family back. He had talked once in class about a heated argument with his wife because things were not moving fast enough for his liking. He just wanted her to come home.
I was completing an initial assessment with a young man who had been referred to our battering intervention program. He clearly did not want to be there, but he was doing his best to show that he would cooperate. His answers were short, to the point and he came across as angry in his general demeanor. When I asked him for basic information about his partner, he called her a “bitch” and said that he did not really want to talk about her. When I asked him questions about his mother, he again, used the term “bitch” and described qualities that he did not like about her, including the fact that she had left him when he was young. I decided to dig deeper, so I pointed out to him that I had only asked him about two women in his life and he had described both as “bitches”. I asked him if he felt that way about women in general or was it only these two. He jumped out of his chair startling me. He took off his shirt and turned to show me his back.
Tattooed in large bold letters across his shoulder blades was “All Women Are Bitches!” He then turned back toward me and said, “Any more questions?”
I must admit that when I entered private practice I thought I was on my way. I was a trained therapist. I was going to focus my practice on individual and couples counseling, with a little batterer intervention on the side. I had been trained through graduate school and supervised practice. I had learned how to diagnose mental health concerns and I had learned the fundamentals of a variety of therapeutic models. My education was good, but I had no way of knowing what I did not know. Looking back, there were so many things that I thought I knew, but…
When Sherry and Bill came to my office for couples counseling I had no idea what I was about to learn. They were an older couple, from rural Kansas where they had farmed together for most of their adult lives. Sherry did most of the talking while Bill listened.
One topic that seems to get considerable discussion among BIP facilitators is "the chicken or the egg" conversation regarding "thoughts or feelings". The discussion centers around which approach is better. While there are plenty who would argue that focusing on "thinking and beliefs" impacts feelings and is the best approach, there are others who vehemently argue the focus must be first on feelings. The Family Peace Initiative would say that there really is not a "chicken or egg" conundrum on the topic. A facilitator needs to have the ability to work with both thoughts and feelings with those they serve. The inability to do so limits the effectiveness of BIP work. A better question to be asked is not whatto focus on, but "how" do we focus on both simultaneously.
Commonly, participants in BIP classes have strong beliefs about emotions. Participants will say how they were taught to avoid expressing sadness and fear in their childhood. It is normal to hear comments like, "My step-dad told me that he would give me something to cry about if I kept crying", or, "If people knew that I was afraid, they would think I was weak and would take advantage of me". Participants live in fear of being seen as weak, soft, and unmanly. They mask this fear through aggression, addiction, and a host of other defense systems.
COMMUNITY PROGRAMS
